Feeling a bit Wiser

One of the things I Love about this world are the many different perspectives. When I first stepped into RS as a young wife and mom I thought I had the church figured out. I thought that when we would see other members on Sunday looking happy and "trial free" I felt so alone in my struggles. (Which weren't big at all) I would start to think my marriage wasn't working cause I know I couldn't be so happy all the time. That’s where it started to affect our marriage, comparing it to others and thinking there was a certain mold to fill.

I am much older now popped out a few more kids and going on 13 years of marriage. I have lived in 3 different states and have met so many different people both inside the church and outside. I know that life isn't perfect for anyone, even those who seem to have it all together. However we all are in different seasons, are on different roads and are in different degrees in our lives and church.

There was a time in my naive mind I thought as a convert I felt how can those who grew up in the church possibly understand the struggles of not being a member. Well I know that was also unfair to assume. Lifetime member or convert, life can put us through some crazy stuff.

Gaining a testimony is different for everyone. Some need to pray study ponder and still have the Holy Ghost knock them aside the head

Others its all they know. Like for myself I don't think I ever knew a time I didn't know of God and Christ and not having a relationship. No matter the situation I feel He is always there to guide me in His own way to cater to my needs and character.

For myself I haven't been in a trial where I felt I needed to leave God or the church or abandon my testimony. I have had my share of trials, being a mom and wife and friend. But I’ve always reached for my testimony to help me.

What I have also learned is that there are members who haven't had such trying times of great magnitude because they have been diligent and faithful in their searching for Christ. I see that many are able to stay on the straight and narrow because they seek the Lord, through prayer and participate in their church duties. They have full support in every aspect and areas in their lives. But remember the roads we are on is Gods will.

We all live in different degrees° as well. Growing up we didn't go to church much just holidays. So it is not a habit but a choice each Sunday for me to come to church. For others it isn't a choice. Its what they do Sundays and what they have always done. The same goes for the principles, for some its a choice, for others its what they have lived all their lives or just had it become their lives.

What ever our paths, perspectives degrees we all want the same thing To Be Happy. Not just being happy in the world but to find joy and have peace. Heavenly Father has given us the scriptures as a map and a Captain, Christ to steer the Old Ship of Zion. The lessons are the same the principle are the same. Just like as parents we keep repeating ourselves in redirecting our children to do what is right. So does Heavenly Father when we sit down each Sunday to be taught on how to live the principles.

So what I have learned, everyone comes to church cause their lives aren't perfect and coming to church to be taught helps us remember who we are, why we are here and where we want to be.

Our sister hood is filled with amazing women, with many different amazing perspective. God did that on purpose. We were all meant to be there today in that room at that time. There was no better place to be then to have been there together.

Everyone has music in their soul

Last night i was able to go to our wads RS activity. It was themed "There Is Music In My Soul".  it was wonderful to sit among sisters and hear the stories of how there lives in some way have been influenced by music.

One sister shared how a song helped her and her family to get through a hardship that left a sibling paralyzed. Another said she didn't grow up with instruments but she learned to appreciate natures music with the birds chirping and the sound of a creek flowing. it was a night of sitting and listening with such content to each piece each sister played or sung.

I wanted to share the song that has lifted me up today. Music has been in my life always and i really don't have one song that i lean on to. it seems that with each new season of my life and new understanding there is a new song to help express or support how i feel..



(the paper i handed out to the sisters last night)

“I Will Wait”

Mumford And Sons

I feel that the only way to understand how this song has uplifted me and touched my heart is to listen and not listen to me....so here it is laid out and you can follow along....

at first for me this song came off as a humbled man bowing himself to his queen...letting her know how she has impacted his life on a spiritual level...then as i read online, other people took it as a man humbling himself before the Lord...

Then it clicked....“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). This is the only place in scripture where the Lord asks us to love anything or anyone with all our hearts besides Himself. ~ Three Principles of Marriage: Matthew O Richardson

The reason i was understanding the song the way i did and then others understanding it the way they did is because We should lean, love, and humble ourselves towards our spouses as we do the Lord....                                                         

Song	My perspective	Others
Well I came home Like a stone And I fell heavy into your arms These days of dust Which we have known Will blow away with this new sun	After a long day of work he comes home and rests in his loves lap...looking forward to a new season with less struggle....	Coming of christ
But I'll kneel down Wait for now And I'll kneel down Know my ground	Humbling himself and putting his queen first	Humbling before the Lord
{chorus} And I will wait, I will wait for you And I will wait, I will wait for you	Waiting for his love, waiting til he is able to love her the way she desires	Waiting for the Second coming
So break my step And relent Well you forgave and I won't forget Know what we've seen And him with less Now in some ways Shake the excess	she stops him in his tracks in his path stop him from his bad habits. she for gave his mistakes and he is grateful....seeing them go from nothing and now having enough to have extra	God is forgiving and we must not forget that those with less really have the inheritance
{chorus}
Now I'll be bold As well as strong And use my head alongside my heart So tame my flesh And fix my eyes A tethered mind freed from the lies	Finding that with his mind and her heart they can conquer anything help him overcome his weakness and helped him see a brighter world	so tame my flesh (lust, greed, selfish desires etc) and fix my eyes (Upon God), a tethered mind free from the lies (free from satan and a life of peace and joy)"
And I'll kneel down Wait for now And I'll kneel down Know my ground
This is the bridge where all come together to make for an incredible ending. I always get goosebumps at this part.
Raise my hands Paint my spirit gold Bow my head feel my heart slow	That her love is so strong and filled with the spirit she is able to humble him and for him in the end can see eternity through her love	praise the lord make his spirit pure and of value Humble and slow to listen and appreciate the Lords love
{chorus}

the reason i am touched my this song is that at first the music was incredible. The talent and passion behind the instruments you cant get from a computer alone. I have a deep appreciation for music. i have been singing and playing instruments as long as i can remember. I love how strings sound and brass is played. they move me to deepest core of my soul. right at the bridge where they all combine voice lyrics and instruments is where i get goosebumps. After hearing the music i learned the lyrics and felt instantly that this could have been written by Angel a song written about his love for his wife but also for the Lord. It is very poetic and is like a piece of art. Its ment for people to grab what they can and have it speak to them according to what they seek. The band does not like to say specifically what their songs are about but want their listeners to feel for themselves...

“Music is a beautiful and creative expression of the soul, and only a few solo artists and/or bands can really pull it off with such chemistry and fervent passion that is exuded by the four gentlemen of Mumford and Sons.”

"Choose your love, Love your choice"

As i was growing up i was surrounded by friends who had both parents in the home...i lived a different path which was the path i know God wanted for me. I did envy those who on Fathers day would have to go and spend time with their dads i did not have a father to celebrate with. But thats nothing big. I was ok. growing up in Philadelphia and going to a public school i found that going to school with other kids, there were those who didn't have both parents in the home. So many single moms not many fathers in involved. As i became a young adult i started to see men walking their kids around the neighborhood it was a rare sight to see but i appreciated those moments knowing that the father was trying the best he could. 

As i grew up i remember when hip hop started to come into my life. i thought it was weird and all they did was talk in a fancy way.  but i came from a different upbringing and neighborhood so the life style that came with the music was something different. I would listen to the lyrics some good some not so nice but my eyes were opened with sadness but understanding to this world of "hard knocks".

Men feeling like that they ruled the world...feeling they could do anything and didn't need to be tied down by a woman..it wasn't manly to be whipped to be hooked onto a fishing line, to be wrapped around a woman's finger..it was weak. women feeling like they didn't need to tolerate such behavior and could "Do all bad by myself" attitude.. So where do they come together, mutual ground, where is the sacrifice, the compromise..both became hard headed..no budging and who loses. the child.

There became a trend of single mothers and baby daddies. The relationships of the past was old school. living in the moment was more important then living for the future. Where does this madness stop? Have men become too tough too love a woman the way she needs. have women become insensitive and not understanding of mans behavior.

The world wants to tell us that we shouldn't take anyones crap and that we can mistreat each other however we want.

So divorces are they all on infidelity, money? no Divorce is selfish and in the end its because someone forgot how to love the other with all their heart mind and soul.

Recognition, to be seen

So often we hear of a husband wondering and confused on how his wife just up and left. No clue how for so many years she could not say anything and one day leave.
Did he neglect to see her. When she would bare her heart to him about life, kids, work, did he listen. Was he over baring. did she distance herself. resulting in a marriage that started with two best friends ending with two strangers. there are so many factors in how a marriage can end..but i think the most important aspect is that either one or both have forgotten who they were and forgotten each other. below are exerts from two different talks about how to love in marriage..funny how most of it is emphasized on directing the husband. but in the end its us letting ourselves become influenced by the adversary letting him convince us to live with the attitude "YOLO" instead of preserving what we have now so when its time to go to our kingdom and we call to our spouse will they come running or will they go a different road and be without each other for all eternity....


So men don't hurt these women...toughen them up and make them think "they could do bad all by themselves" but have women desire to be with her best friend and to be able to feel confident recognized and seen....



Elder Nelson says. “Be considerate and kind in the tender intimacies of your married life. Let your thoughts and actions inspire confidence and trust. Let your words be wholesome and your time together be uplifting. Let nothing in life take priority over your wife—neither work, recreation, nor hobby.” ~Todays family:Love your wife

Elder James E Faust "No man can become completely adequate or function responsibly without help from others. Of course too much help or the wrong kind of help stifles and is counterproductive. But at the heart of human adequacy is self-esteem, which is fed by rich, life-giving love, confidence, and caring of others. This support can come richly from family and friends. But for men it comes mostly from their wives." ~Brethren Love your wives

"Consequently, there is no higher commitment for any man than to be loyal to his commitment to his God and faith, to his wife and family. The reciprocating fruits from keeping that commitment will usually give him boundless sustaining love and the challenge to reach deep down inside himself and call forth the seeds of the finest of his gifts for their full flowering. He will enjoy a place of honor, dignity, and respect."

"The relationship between husband and wife is the linchpin in the whole family relationship. I am sorry that I have come so late to a fuller appreciation of the extent of the needs of our wives and womenfolk for love, appreciation, companionship, and recognition. These needs are great, they are constant, and they need to be frequently met. Kindness and courtesy do not begin in the professional office—they begin at home."

here are the talks if you would like to read in full

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1981/07/brethren-love-your-wives?lang=eng

http://www.lds.org/prophets-and-apostles/unto-all-the-world/love-your-wife

Marriage is Sacred

temples are held sacred,only letting in those who practice a healthy and faithful life towards Gods commandments. Everything is white and nothing that is dirty can come into the House of the Lord. Our homes are like unto a temple, a safe haven for when after we are exposed to the adversities of the world our child can run back and renew themselves within the safe walls filled with the spirit. Our bodies are like unto a temple. Keeping anything harmful out and to keep it as pure as possible. The same goes for with a marriage built on the principles of the gospel. a marriage where the goal for both spouses are to reach celestial glory. A marriage is like unto a temple. Being careful what is let in and what will harmfully influence it. To separate from situations and others who bring nothing but contention and harm towards the marriage. There are boundaries, lines that need not to be crossed. It is the union of a relationship that is eternal.....




“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). This is the only place in scripture where the Lord asks us to love anything or anyone with all our hearts besides Himself. ~ Three Principles of Marriage: Matthew O Richardson

A must read about the Three Principles of Marriage

http://www.lds.org/ensign/2005/04/three-principles-of-marriage?lang=eng

At The End Of The Day When All Is Quiet

I sit and think a lot. Specially sitting here on the couch when all is calm. I think about my actions, i think about things that may have offended me. I think about what led up to these situations, what i said, or did then i think about what i could have done different or if something that was done different what would have happened.

I think about how this may affect my future, my feelings, my relationships. I think about if i were to face the experience again would i react the same way. and in the end what did or do i want. How do i want to feel at the end of the night when I lay my head on the pillow.

Have i made someone feel sad. Have i offended someone. Have i made promises and didn't keep. I think of all these things cause i feel these emotions. But wouldn't i be a hypocrite if i didn't take the time to reflect on my day and notice that i may have led someone to feel these emotions.

I try my best each day to be the best i can be. I want to be that friend that everyone can count on, trust. I want to be able to give guidance with love and patience. There are a few people in my life who have showed me great understanding and patience but help me to see from a different perspective without offending me. I genuinely care for everyone in the world. Even have great sadness for the adversary. I cry while listening to songs about topics i have yet to experience but i can feel the pain of the writer/musician.

I truly think there is good in everyone, they at some point have searched and have desire to be good. In  the world we put up a wall, try to act tough, dog eat dog, everyman for themselves. we do this cause at some point when we gave ourselves, wore our hearts on our sleeves we were broken down either intentionally or just by self affliction.... We all have a desire to be noticed, and embraced. A friend told me that we need girlfriends (us women) to help us through these times of stress. At least 5 we can rely on.

What i think is so important at the end of the day when all is quiet and we reflect on our experiences. Think of what "I" did to influence the experience, what "I" could have done different, and what "I" need to do different if  faced with the situation again.

The Testimony that always was

I have been overwhelmed with the spirit. I have been having feelings of sadness. Feeling that how i felt was something only i carried...a feeling that i felt guilty feeling. But with courage and great faith i shared my emotions and experiences and i have had quiet a few good friends reach back and shared their testimonies with me. I am grateful for those friendships of faith and courage. I was asked to share my testimony of my conversion into the church so here i will share it with everyone.

I have always had an understanding about the gospel. I don't think there wasn't a time that i didn't believe. I knew of a God, His son and the holy Ghost they shared. Whether they were 1 or 3 it didn't matter. I knew and felt they existed and i had a relationship with them. I would pray to God and to Jesus Christ and knew it was the Holy Ghost that i felt when i did. Through out my child hood we went to several different churches. Had fun going through a confirmation class with some of my friends. I think there was a time we weren't going every sunday. and my sundays were filled with rest. Ahhh how nice it was to sleep :) Any who when i was about 15ish my mom had us take a road trip to Southern Virginia to meet her friend. Where and when she met this friend i don't know. When we got to the home it was huge and her friend had a lot of kids. My family consisted of me, my sister and my mom. very small. So this family was huge. 10 kids i believe. 5 of their own and 5 adopted <----- this will be important. When we visited we were taken to this place where there was a huge beautiful white building. I remember walking past it and asking my mom what it was. She stated that it was a temple for the mormons (had no clue) and that only worthy members were aloud to go in. Well thats all i was interested to hear. it was good enough for me. We watched the live nativity play and looked at the beautiful lights. This would be the first time seeing the Washington DC temple.

I am not sure if we visited a second time but we did attend church with this family. The first impression i got walking into the chapel was wow there were no crosses. How odd. but shrug my shoulders and continued on. I knew it was weird that after the first hour there was 2 more to attend classes. like i said not sure about the time but i think either we decided to go back to the house or we stayed. The kids told my sister and I how they spent their sundays. Sleeping, avoiding playing games, and watching tv. Hey a day of sleep and no other responsibilities i couldn't agree more.

Now some time past and the June of 99 when i was 16 i started to notice my mom disappearing on sundays. I remember asking her where she had been going all this time. She told me to a church in the Smilie times building (North East Philadelphia news paper office building) and if i would like to go. of course i did. I remember my first day. Sitting in the YW class and that day the bishop was teaching. I remember being the only one answering the question and commenting. Couldn't believe that i was the only one who had anything to say (shocking right). After class the bishop asked if i was a member visiting. I said nope. I think he even asked who this girl was and my mom proudly stated she's my daughter. Now it was june when i started attending the Penny pack ward my mom had already been going since that january (not yet baptized, which is unusually long) and the people knew who she was. I remember being welcomed so warmly.

That summer i attended all the fun youth activities, camp, conference, dances. that is where i met the girls from Hunting park the ward in the City. they sucked me in even though my ward try to keep us apart. ;) they truly embraced me and made me apart of their little group. i loved it all.

one day my mom told me that the missionaries wanted to talk to me. I was so excited and wanted to know about what. she claimed she didn't know but i think she was fibbing. they sat down with me several times teaching me things that were easy to accept and asking if i was willing to make some changes in my life. i found it easy to accept and they asked if i was ready to be baptized and i was. November of 99. not sure the date (too tired to look) My mom and I were both baptized that day.

Remember the arrow from early about adoption. I later found out how my mom came about finding her friend from Southern Virginia. Susan was her name. Back in the day where there were chat rooms, my mom was in a  room for people involved in some way in adoption. Susan had felt the prompting to tell my mom about this "mormon" Church. My mom curious looked on line about it and found the local ward and had started attending

The February of 99 the day after i turned 16 was when Angel built up the courage to talk to me. so the whole time i was looking into the church and then baptized he was in my life some way and through friendship the next year in june he too was baptized. and the the rest is history.

We have been in this church for 14 years. And its been an interesting road. 3 states 3 wards and 5 kids. I know it can get hard and lonely when not raised in the church and starting new in a new state far away from family but with our great faith and testimony i know that the church is their for me. I believe it has the fullness of the gospel and everything i need to reach the highest glory in the celestial kingdom. The the gospel with its principles is taught so well. The family is the main focus with Christ at its center.

And that is how i became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter day Saints

its deeper then not getting a calling

Culture: the attitudes and behavior characteristic of a particular social group


 Tradition: a long-established custom or belief that has been passed on in this way



 "He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people ahonoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men. For laying aside the commandment of God, ye hold the atradition of men, as the washing of pots and cups: and many other such like things ye do."~Mark 7:6-8

 Stories of exclusion


 When pregnant with her 3rd child most definitely her 3rd c section she had asked the relief society president if she could possible have 2 weeks of meals and assistance..with a 3 year old and a 16month old she knew she would probably be down and out. Her husband worked long hours and she did have anyone close by to help. with her last children the compassionate service organizer in her church called her each week following the births of her children asking if she needed continued assistance. So by her 3rd kid she was sure when asking for more time the RS president wouldn't hesitate to say yes. But the response that was followed shocked her as by the answer was an answer of limitations. She stated that a mother with a c section only had 5 days of meals. How could you put a limit on service specially when requested. Luckily and blessed was the mother cause there was enough people who wanted to serve she had 2 weeks of meals.



 Living in a ward where half were members from the city and half were students from out west come to further their education in the medical field. This sister felt like she was stuck in the middle..young like the students but too many kids...and not old enough for the home members. Because there was the culture differences and the obvious grouping of women she decided that she would sit among the students. After a while watching them chitchat amongst themselves along with the RS president they noticed the time was getting late. They were agitated with the event host cause since it was finals week they needed to get home. Some words of criticism of how things were ran different in their wards back home and the RS president stating "If i was in charge tonight it wouldn't take so long" but she was in charge she was the president. shocked and hurt to hear such judgment specially for the friend in charge from those not from the city not from that world the sister got up and left and cried. How can these people preach what they preach proclaim a gospel of love and yet criticize..specially supported by the RS president. The RS president saw she was not happy and asked what was wrong. The sister felt that she would explain how she felt in hopes that the sister would apologize and realize her mistake. No the complete opposite happened she told the sister that she was who she was and she was not going to change.



 After her husband hurt his back just after a few months their youngest was born the wife had to return to work while the husband stayed home with 4 kids all under the age of 5. there was a time where they felt overwhelmed and did not know what to do. Family had other responsibilities and were unable to help. the couple sought help form the RS president asking for help. they couldn't specify what they needed but they knew they were falling apart. The President said she would call around and call back to let them know if there was anyone who could. The phone call came but the answer was not good. the people that were contacted were too busy to help. while this trial was going on there were also a group of young couples who were always getting together each week to fellowship. The couple could not understand in such a time of need how no one had time to help and yet there was time to fellowship amongst each other. When the couple found out about the others not able to help the president asked "Don't you have family?" what a stab in the heart cause it was such a harsh assumption cause family asked the couple "Don't you have the Church"? because of the lack of help that was needed the couple became bitter towards the church and it was a trial that motivated their push to move.




 When moving into a new ward the young family was embraced. members wanted to get to know them and there were several dinners. It was very nice and different specially being so far from family they came and moved into a new land knowing no one. . til the invites stopped, dinners stopped. maybe because the ward felt they have been there long enough welcoming them in was no longer needed. One holiday party the couple attends to be amongst their ward "Friends". The woman would sit among the other women, the women who have already established themselves and were already friends. discussions were had, nothing to do with the sisters interest and then the conversion about planning a girls night came about. they were all excited to be planning this night but not once was the sister looked at or invited to the event..That would be the last time she would chose to sit among them.




 too many times through out her membership in the church she has put her pride to the side, tried to invite herself into this Culture the church has developed and tried to find her place. Too many times has she been hurt and realized that she is not like the women that fit the mold in this culture....


 In the church we like to categorize the members into two categories..those who grew up in the church and those who found the light of christ in their darkest times later in life. But i am neither...i feel that my hardest times of feeling excepted is the time i have been in this church. Its not about a calling. I dont need to hear the phrase "stay strong" "You are loved" i think i am pretty damn strong for all i have been through with the clicks judging and not willing to be good deciples. I am more then just a service project more then just a calling....



 This is my story...my story of feeling alone in the walk towards Christ in this world. I don't need service only when in need i need girlfriends in the gospel..women to hold my hand. to not just be there when called to serve and then stop when the calling is over....ive been to many events and the women whos children play with my kids husbands converse don't know i am there until the end....



 When life is hard and we find our selves in a hole we climb out by vigorous scripture reading and prayers and as soon as all is well we slow down and don't put our hearts into it. I think thats what happens when we become complacent in our lives where we find that every inch of our lives involves friends of the church and there isn't a need to reach out and bring in new friends. I have been in the same ward for 5 years..i have seen people come and go develop amazing friendships and yet i don't think most know me as well as they could. I have had one family tell me that they were thinking of inviting us to their party but forgot. another say that they were going to invite me over to meet their friends and they didn't. and when i reach out letting them know i would like to get together they say anytime is good but never follow trough...The church has a culture. a culture that if you are not a certain type of person or fit a mold it is very hard to be embraced. I only want what the leaders of our church teach...sister hood..SISTER...doesn't mean when i have time and only within my calling.... 



Christ was a giver...he served all the time. his last night he was taking upon the sins of the world and all he wanted was his friends to be by his side, not as his deciples but as his friends and yet he was alone. i feel alone, i don't want to change who i am to fit a mold but to be apart of the sisters lives in my ward because we are a ward "FAMiLY" I was hoping to get a calling this last week because i knew that it would have been a great opportunity to serve along side others and hopefully have that be the chance to get to know each other a little bit more...we are always told how amazing we are..how great of example we are..how we would make great ward missionaries..i feel people hype us up and when callings were given out and a group of people i was hoping to serve along side were all called..i wept..yes i cried not because i didn't get a calling because i wasn't given the opportunity to be equally yoked in the church..."better things are in store" God loves you" "you are loved" "be strong".these words i know... i was just stating a fact...there is a bad habit of creating a mold and a culture with in any organization....and as soon as we do that we limit our selves from serving to our fullest...



 I will continue to be me...i was never weak im always strong..all that i have had to endure many would have left...but this church is not perfect and its people arent perfect but the gospel is...The church of jesus christ of latter day saints has the FULNESS of the gospel...A living prophet who holds the keys to the priesthood..the temples to help build the kingdom of God..so no this will not shake me. all i desire is to be family: no one gets left behind...we left the family we knew back east to be apart of this ward..this is where the Lord wants us...and we will be here until he doesnt