I sit and think a lot. Specially sitting here on the couch when all is calm. I think about my actions, i think about things that may have offended me. I think about what led up to these situations, what i said, or did then i think about what i could have done different or if something that was done different what would have happened.
I think about how this may affect my future, my feelings, my relationships. I think about if i were to face the experience again would i react the same way. and in the end what did or do i want. How do i want to feel at the end of the night when I lay my head on the pillow.
Have i made someone feel sad. Have i offended someone. Have i made promises and didn't keep. I think of all these things cause i feel these emotions. But wouldn't i be a hypocrite if i didn't take the time to reflect on my day and notice that i may have led someone to feel these emotions.
I try my best each day to be the best i can be. I want to be that friend that everyone can count on, trust. I want to be able to give guidance with love and patience. There are a few people in my life who have showed me great understanding and patience but help me to see from a different perspective without offending me. I genuinely care for everyone in the world. Even have great sadness for the adversary. I cry while listening to songs about topics i have yet to experience but i can feel the pain of the writer/musician.
I truly think there is good in everyone, they at some point have searched and have desire to be good. In the world we put up a wall, try to act tough, dog eat dog, everyman for themselves. we do this cause at some point when we gave ourselves, wore our hearts on our sleeves we were broken down either intentionally or just by self affliction.... We all have a desire to be noticed, and embraced. A friend told me that we need girlfriends (us women) to help us through these times of stress. At least 5 we can rely on.
What i think is so important at the end of the day when all is quiet and we reflect on our experiences. Think of what "I" did to influence the experience, what "I" could have done different, and what "I" need to do different if faced with the situation again.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
The Testimony that always was
I have been overwhelmed with the spirit. I have been having feelings of sadness. Feeling that how i felt was something only i carried...a feeling that i felt guilty feeling. But with courage and great faith i shared my emotions and experiences and i have had quiet a few good friends reach back and shared their testimonies with me. I am grateful for those friendships of faith and courage. I was asked to share my testimony of my conversion into the church so here i will share it with everyone.
I have always had an understanding about the gospel. I don't think there wasn't a time that i didn't believe. I knew of a God, His son and the holy Ghost they shared. Whether they were 1 or 3 it didn't matter. I knew and felt they existed and i had a relationship with them. I would pray to God and to Jesus Christ and knew it was the Holy Ghost that i felt when i did. Through out my child hood we went to several different churches. Had fun going through a confirmation class with some of my friends. I think there was a time we weren't going every sunday. and my sundays were filled with rest. Ahhh how nice it was to sleep :) Any who when i was about 15ish my mom had us take a road trip to Southern Virginia to meet her friend. Where and when she met this friend i don't know. When we got to the home it was huge and her friend had a lot of kids. My family consisted of me, my sister and my mom. very small. So this family was huge. 10 kids i believe. 5 of their own and 5 adopted <----- this will be important. When we visited we were taken to this place where there was a huge beautiful white building. I remember walking past it and asking my mom what it was. She stated that it was a temple for the mormons (had no clue) and that only worthy members were aloud to go in. Well thats all i was interested to hear. it was good enough for me. We watched the live nativity play and looked at the beautiful lights. This would be the first time seeing the Washington DC temple.
I am not sure if we visited a second time but we did attend church with this family. The first impression i got walking into the chapel was wow there were no crosses. How odd. but shrug my shoulders and continued on. I knew it was weird that after the first hour there was 2 more to attend classes. like i said not sure about the time but i think either we decided to go back to the house or we stayed. The kids told my sister and I how they spent their sundays. Sleeping, avoiding playing games, and watching tv. Hey a day of sleep and no other responsibilities i couldn't agree more.
Now some time past and the June of 99 when i was 16 i started to notice my mom disappearing on sundays. I remember asking her where she had been going all this time. She told me to a church in the Smilie times building (North East Philadelphia news paper office building) and if i would like to go. of course i did. I remember my first day. Sitting in the YW class and that day the bishop was teaching. I remember being the only one answering the question and commenting. Couldn't believe that i was the only one who had anything to say (shocking right). After class the bishop asked if i was a member visiting. I said nope. I think he even asked who this girl was and my mom proudly stated she's my daughter. Now it was june when i started attending the Penny pack ward my mom had already been going since that january (not yet baptized, which is unusually long) and the people knew who she was. I remember being welcomed so warmly.
That summer i attended all the fun youth activities, camp, conference, dances. that is where i met the girls from Hunting park the ward in the City. they sucked me in even though my ward try to keep us apart. ;) they truly embraced me and made me apart of their little group. i loved it all.
one day my mom told me that the missionaries wanted to talk to me. I was so excited and wanted to know about what. she claimed she didn't know but i think she was fibbing. they sat down with me several times teaching me things that were easy to accept and asking if i was willing to make some changes in my life. i found it easy to accept and they asked if i was ready to be baptized and i was. November of 99. not sure the date (too tired to look) My mom and I were both baptized that day.
Remember the arrow from early about adoption. I later found out how my mom came about finding her friend from Southern Virginia. Susan was her name. Back in the day where there were chat rooms, my mom was in a room for people involved in some way in adoption. Susan had felt the prompting to tell my mom about this "mormon" Church. My mom curious looked on line about it and found the local ward and had started attending
The February of 99 the day after i turned 16 was when Angel built up the courage to talk to me. so the whole time i was looking into the church and then baptized he was in my life some way and through friendship the next year in june he too was baptized. and the the rest is history.
We have been in this church for 14 years. And its been an interesting road. 3 states 3 wards and 5 kids. I know it can get hard and lonely when not raised in the church and starting new in a new state far away from family but with our great faith and testimony i know that the church is their for me. I believe it has the fullness of the gospel and everything i need to reach the highest glory in the celestial kingdom. The the gospel with its principles is taught so well. The family is the main focus with Christ at its center.
And that is how i became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter day Saints
I have always had an understanding about the gospel. I don't think there wasn't a time that i didn't believe. I knew of a God, His son and the holy Ghost they shared. Whether they were 1 or 3 it didn't matter. I knew and felt they existed and i had a relationship with them. I would pray to God and to Jesus Christ and knew it was the Holy Ghost that i felt when i did. Through out my child hood we went to several different churches. Had fun going through a confirmation class with some of my friends. I think there was a time we weren't going every sunday. and my sundays were filled with rest. Ahhh how nice it was to sleep :) Any who when i was about 15ish my mom had us take a road trip to Southern Virginia to meet her friend. Where and when she met this friend i don't know. When we got to the home it was huge and her friend had a lot of kids. My family consisted of me, my sister and my mom. very small. So this family was huge. 10 kids i believe. 5 of their own and 5 adopted <----- this will be important. When we visited we were taken to this place where there was a huge beautiful white building. I remember walking past it and asking my mom what it was. She stated that it was a temple for the mormons (had no clue) and that only worthy members were aloud to go in. Well thats all i was interested to hear. it was good enough for me. We watched the live nativity play and looked at the beautiful lights. This would be the first time seeing the Washington DC temple.
I am not sure if we visited a second time but we did attend church with this family. The first impression i got walking into the chapel was wow there were no crosses. How odd. but shrug my shoulders and continued on. I knew it was weird that after the first hour there was 2 more to attend classes. like i said not sure about the time but i think either we decided to go back to the house or we stayed. The kids told my sister and I how they spent their sundays. Sleeping, avoiding playing games, and watching tv. Hey a day of sleep and no other responsibilities i couldn't agree more.
Now some time past and the June of 99 when i was 16 i started to notice my mom disappearing on sundays. I remember asking her where she had been going all this time. She told me to a church in the Smilie times building (North East Philadelphia news paper office building) and if i would like to go. of course i did. I remember my first day. Sitting in the YW class and that day the bishop was teaching. I remember being the only one answering the question and commenting. Couldn't believe that i was the only one who had anything to say (shocking right). After class the bishop asked if i was a member visiting. I said nope. I think he even asked who this girl was and my mom proudly stated she's my daughter. Now it was june when i started attending the Penny pack ward my mom had already been going since that january (not yet baptized, which is unusually long) and the people knew who she was. I remember being welcomed so warmly.
That summer i attended all the fun youth activities, camp, conference, dances. that is where i met the girls from Hunting park the ward in the City. they sucked me in even though my ward try to keep us apart. ;) they truly embraced me and made me apart of their little group. i loved it all.
one day my mom told me that the missionaries wanted to talk to me. I was so excited and wanted to know about what. she claimed she didn't know but i think she was fibbing. they sat down with me several times teaching me things that were easy to accept and asking if i was willing to make some changes in my life. i found it easy to accept and they asked if i was ready to be baptized and i was. November of 99. not sure the date (too tired to look) My mom and I were both baptized that day.
Remember the arrow from early about adoption. I later found out how my mom came about finding her friend from Southern Virginia. Susan was her name. Back in the day where there were chat rooms, my mom was in a room for people involved in some way in adoption. Susan had felt the prompting to tell my mom about this "mormon" Church. My mom curious looked on line about it and found the local ward and had started attending
The February of 99 the day after i turned 16 was when Angel built up the courage to talk to me. so the whole time i was looking into the church and then baptized he was in my life some way and through friendship the next year in june he too was baptized. and the the rest is history.
We have been in this church for 14 years. And its been an interesting road. 3 states 3 wards and 5 kids. I know it can get hard and lonely when not raised in the church and starting new in a new state far away from family but with our great faith and testimony i know that the church is their for me. I believe it has the fullness of the gospel and everything i need to reach the highest glory in the celestial kingdom. The the gospel with its principles is taught so well. The family is the main focus with Christ at its center.
And that is how i became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter day Saints
Monday, April 22, 2013
its deeper then not getting a calling
Culture: the attitudes and behavior characteristic of a particular social group
Tradition: a long-established custom or belief that has been passed on in this way
"He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people ahonoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men. For laying aside the commandment of God, ye hold the atradition of men, as the washing of pots and cups: and many other such like things ye do."~Mark 7:6-8
Stories of exclusion
When pregnant with her 3rd child most definitely her 3rd c section she had asked the relief society president if she could possible have 2 weeks of meals and assistance..with a 3 year old and a 16month old she knew she would probably be down and out. Her husband worked long hours and she did have anyone close by to help. with her last children the compassionate service organizer in her church called her each week following the births of her children asking if she needed continued assistance. So by her 3rd kid she was sure when asking for more time the RS president wouldn't hesitate to say yes. But the response that was followed shocked her as by the answer was an answer of limitations. She stated that a mother with a c section only had 5 days of meals. How could you put a limit on service specially when requested. Luckily and blessed was the mother cause there was enough people who wanted to serve she had 2 weeks of meals.
Living in a ward where half were members from the city and half were students from out west come to further their education in the medical field. This sister felt like she was stuck in the middle..young like the students but too many kids...and not old enough for the home members. Because there was the culture differences and the obvious grouping of women she decided that she would sit among the students. After a while watching them chitchat amongst themselves along with the RS president they noticed the time was getting late. They were agitated with the event host cause since it was finals week they needed to get home. Some words of criticism of how things were ran different in their wards back home and the RS president stating "If i was in charge tonight it wouldn't take so long" but she was in charge she was the president. shocked and hurt to hear such judgment specially for the friend in charge from those not from the city not from that world the sister got up and left and cried. How can these people preach what they preach proclaim a gospel of love and yet criticize..specially supported by the RS president. The RS president saw she was not happy and asked what was wrong. The sister felt that she would explain how she felt in hopes that the sister would apologize and realize her mistake. No the complete opposite happened she told the sister that she was who she was and she was not going to change.
After her husband hurt his back just after a few months their youngest was born the wife had to return to work while the husband stayed home with 4 kids all under the age of 5. there was a time where they felt overwhelmed and did not know what to do. Family had other responsibilities and were unable to help. the couple sought help form the RS president asking for help. they couldn't specify what they needed but they knew they were falling apart. The President said she would call around and call back to let them know if there was anyone who could. The phone call came but the answer was not good. the people that were contacted were too busy to help. while this trial was going on there were also a group of young couples who were always getting together each week to fellowship. The couple could not understand in such a time of need how no one had time to help and yet there was time to fellowship amongst each other. When the couple found out about the others not able to help the president asked "Don't you have family?" what a stab in the heart cause it was such a harsh assumption cause family asked the couple "Don't you have the Church"? because of the lack of help that was needed the couple became bitter towards the church and it was a trial that motivated their push to move.
When moving into a new ward the young family was embraced. members wanted to get to know them and there were several dinners. It was very nice and different specially being so far from family they came and moved into a new land knowing no one. . til the invites stopped, dinners stopped. maybe because the ward felt they have been there long enough welcoming them in was no longer needed. One holiday party the couple attends to be amongst their ward "Friends". The woman would sit among the other women, the women who have already established themselves and were already friends. discussions were had, nothing to do with the sisters interest and then the conversion about planning a girls night came about. they were all excited to be planning this night but not once was the sister looked at or invited to the event..That would be the last time she would chose to sit among them.
too many times through out her membership in the church she has put her pride to the side, tried to invite herself into this Culture the church has developed and tried to find her place. Too many times has she been hurt and realized that she is not like the women that fit the mold in this culture....
In the church we like to categorize the members into two categories..those who grew up in the church and those who found the light of christ in their darkest times later in life. But i am neither...i feel that my hardest times of feeling excepted is the time i have been in this church. Its not about a calling. I dont need to hear the phrase "stay strong" "You are loved" i think i am pretty damn strong for all i have been through with the clicks judging and not willing to be good deciples. I am more then just a service project more then just a calling....
This is my story...my story of feeling alone in the walk towards Christ in this world. I don't need service only when in need i need girlfriends in the gospel..women to hold my hand. to not just be there when called to serve and then stop when the calling is over....ive been to many events and the women whos children play with my kids husbands converse don't know i am there until the end....
When life is hard and we find our selves in a hole we climb out by vigorous scripture reading and prayers and as soon as all is well we slow down and don't put our hearts into it. I think thats what happens when we become complacent in our lives where we find that every inch of our lives involves friends of the church and there isn't a need to reach out and bring in new friends. I have been in the same ward for 5 years..i have seen people come and go develop amazing friendships and yet i don't think most know me as well as they could. I have had one family tell me that they were thinking of inviting us to their party but forgot. another say that they were going to invite me over to meet their friends and they didn't. and when i reach out letting them know i would like to get together they say anytime is good but never follow trough...The church has a culture. a culture that if you are not a certain type of person or fit a mold it is very hard to be embraced. I only want what the leaders of our church teach...sister hood..SISTER...doesn't mean when i have time and only within my calling....
Christ was a giver...he served all the time. his last night he was taking upon the sins of the world and all he wanted was his friends to be by his side, not as his deciples but as his friends and yet he was alone. i feel alone, i don't want to change who i am to fit a mold but to be apart of the sisters lives in my ward because we are a ward "FAMiLY" I was hoping to get a calling this last week because i knew that it would have been a great opportunity to serve along side others and hopefully have that be the chance to get to know each other a little bit more...we are always told how amazing we are..how great of example we are..how we would make great ward missionaries..i feel people hype us up and when callings were given out and a group of people i was hoping to serve along side were all called..i wept..yes i cried not because i didn't get a calling because i wasn't given the opportunity to be equally yoked in the church..."better things are in store" God loves you" "you are loved" "be strong".these words i know... i was just stating a fact...there is a bad habit of creating a mold and a culture with in any organization....and as soon as we do that we limit our selves from serving to our fullest...
I will continue to be me...i was never weak im always strong..all that i have had to endure many would have left...but this church is not perfect and its people arent perfect but the gospel is...The church of jesus christ of latter day saints has the FULNESS of the gospel...A living prophet who holds the keys to the priesthood..the temples to help build the kingdom of God..so no this will not shake me. all i desire is to be family: no one gets left behind...we left the family we knew back east to be apart of this ward..this is where the Lord wants us...and we will be here until he doesnt
Tradition: a long-established custom or belief that has been passed on in this way
"He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people ahonoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men. For laying aside the commandment of God, ye hold the atradition of men, as the washing of pots and cups: and many other such like things ye do."~Mark 7:6-8
Stories of exclusion
When pregnant with her 3rd child most definitely her 3rd c section she had asked the relief society president if she could possible have 2 weeks of meals and assistance..with a 3 year old and a 16month old she knew she would probably be down and out. Her husband worked long hours and she did have anyone close by to help. with her last children the compassionate service organizer in her church called her each week following the births of her children asking if she needed continued assistance. So by her 3rd kid she was sure when asking for more time the RS president wouldn't hesitate to say yes. But the response that was followed shocked her as by the answer was an answer of limitations. She stated that a mother with a c section only had 5 days of meals. How could you put a limit on service specially when requested. Luckily and blessed was the mother cause there was enough people who wanted to serve she had 2 weeks of meals.
Living in a ward where half were members from the city and half were students from out west come to further their education in the medical field. This sister felt like she was stuck in the middle..young like the students but too many kids...and not old enough for the home members. Because there was the culture differences and the obvious grouping of women she decided that she would sit among the students. After a while watching them chitchat amongst themselves along with the RS president they noticed the time was getting late. They were agitated with the event host cause since it was finals week they needed to get home. Some words of criticism of how things were ran different in their wards back home and the RS president stating "If i was in charge tonight it wouldn't take so long" but she was in charge she was the president. shocked and hurt to hear such judgment specially for the friend in charge from those not from the city not from that world the sister got up and left and cried. How can these people preach what they preach proclaim a gospel of love and yet criticize..specially supported by the RS president. The RS president saw she was not happy and asked what was wrong. The sister felt that she would explain how she felt in hopes that the sister would apologize and realize her mistake. No the complete opposite happened she told the sister that she was who she was and she was not going to change.
After her husband hurt his back just after a few months their youngest was born the wife had to return to work while the husband stayed home with 4 kids all under the age of 5. there was a time where they felt overwhelmed and did not know what to do. Family had other responsibilities and were unable to help. the couple sought help form the RS president asking for help. they couldn't specify what they needed but they knew they were falling apart. The President said she would call around and call back to let them know if there was anyone who could. The phone call came but the answer was not good. the people that were contacted were too busy to help. while this trial was going on there were also a group of young couples who were always getting together each week to fellowship. The couple could not understand in such a time of need how no one had time to help and yet there was time to fellowship amongst each other. When the couple found out about the others not able to help the president asked "Don't you have family?" what a stab in the heart cause it was such a harsh assumption cause family asked the couple "Don't you have the Church"? because of the lack of help that was needed the couple became bitter towards the church and it was a trial that motivated their push to move.
When moving into a new ward the young family was embraced. members wanted to get to know them and there were several dinners. It was very nice and different specially being so far from family they came and moved into a new land knowing no one. . til the invites stopped, dinners stopped. maybe because the ward felt they have been there long enough welcoming them in was no longer needed. One holiday party the couple attends to be amongst their ward "Friends". The woman would sit among the other women, the women who have already established themselves and were already friends. discussions were had, nothing to do with the sisters interest and then the conversion about planning a girls night came about. they were all excited to be planning this night but not once was the sister looked at or invited to the event..That would be the last time she would chose to sit among them.
too many times through out her membership in the church she has put her pride to the side, tried to invite herself into this Culture the church has developed and tried to find her place. Too many times has she been hurt and realized that she is not like the women that fit the mold in this culture....
In the church we like to categorize the members into two categories..those who grew up in the church and those who found the light of christ in their darkest times later in life. But i am neither...i feel that my hardest times of feeling excepted is the time i have been in this church. Its not about a calling. I dont need to hear the phrase "stay strong" "You are loved" i think i am pretty damn strong for all i have been through with the clicks judging and not willing to be good deciples. I am more then just a service project more then just a calling....
This is my story...my story of feeling alone in the walk towards Christ in this world. I don't need service only when in need i need girlfriends in the gospel..women to hold my hand. to not just be there when called to serve and then stop when the calling is over....ive been to many events and the women whos children play with my kids husbands converse don't know i am there until the end....
When life is hard and we find our selves in a hole we climb out by vigorous scripture reading and prayers and as soon as all is well we slow down and don't put our hearts into it. I think thats what happens when we become complacent in our lives where we find that every inch of our lives involves friends of the church and there isn't a need to reach out and bring in new friends. I have been in the same ward for 5 years..i have seen people come and go develop amazing friendships and yet i don't think most know me as well as they could. I have had one family tell me that they were thinking of inviting us to their party but forgot. another say that they were going to invite me over to meet their friends and they didn't. and when i reach out letting them know i would like to get together they say anytime is good but never follow trough...The church has a culture. a culture that if you are not a certain type of person or fit a mold it is very hard to be embraced. I only want what the leaders of our church teach...sister hood..SISTER...doesn't mean when i have time and only within my calling....
Christ was a giver...he served all the time. his last night he was taking upon the sins of the world and all he wanted was his friends to be by his side, not as his deciples but as his friends and yet he was alone. i feel alone, i don't want to change who i am to fit a mold but to be apart of the sisters lives in my ward because we are a ward "FAMiLY" I was hoping to get a calling this last week because i knew that it would have been a great opportunity to serve along side others and hopefully have that be the chance to get to know each other a little bit more...we are always told how amazing we are..how great of example we are..how we would make great ward missionaries..i feel people hype us up and when callings were given out and a group of people i was hoping to serve along side were all called..i wept..yes i cried not because i didn't get a calling because i wasn't given the opportunity to be equally yoked in the church..."better things are in store" God loves you" "you are loved" "be strong".these words i know... i was just stating a fact...there is a bad habit of creating a mold and a culture with in any organization....and as soon as we do that we limit our selves from serving to our fullest...
I will continue to be me...i was never weak im always strong..all that i have had to endure many would have left...but this church is not perfect and its people arent perfect but the gospel is...The church of jesus christ of latter day saints has the FULNESS of the gospel...A living prophet who holds the keys to the priesthood..the temples to help build the kingdom of God..so no this will not shake me. all i desire is to be family: no one gets left behind...we left the family we knew back east to be apart of this ward..this is where the Lord wants us...and we will be here until he doesnt
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